Thursday, December 30, 2010


Just a quick side note on how grossed out I am by my weight.  I dont even do the scale aymore.  It scares me.  I am doing a 21 day detox diet once kiddos head back to schol on Jan 3, but in the meantime my eating is soaring to new levels of crazy.
I now have this belly that hangs, this coming from the chick who used towear half shirts & have guys amazed at my gorgeous abs.  Yeah....these freaking psych drugs I takeSUCK ASS.  Yeah they keep me stable in my mood, but LORD I am almost 220 lbs & I am only 5 ft 6!!!!!!!!  I used to think 150 was heffer mode, but I would give my left boob for 150. 
Overeating is most def. a big part & Im soooo needing to get to an OA meeting ASAP.
Determined to hit the gym tomorrow & MOVE.  I havent worked out in weeks thanks to holidays, kids being home, Dad & having 2 colds in a row...ENOUGH. I gotta get moving!

The Twist

So today Dad went to see infect.disease doc also named Dr. Collins, just to add to confusion.  He is on 2 heavy duty antibio. to kill the damn MRSA infection that is preventing him from getting his chemo.  He will get his PICC line in on Tues & has a appt. on Thur for his first chemo treatment.
I have been wanting to cheer dad up.  He was just diagnosed with clinical depression & will also be starting Paxil...hope it works.  He doesntcare about anything, not eating not showering not taking care of himself.  He is giving up.  Its so sad. 
Soooo me being the overachiever only child I made it my duty to make my dad smile.  Yesterday nite I bought him some soft serve vanilla ice cream from Carvel & we chatted about his oldies music which he LOVES.  A lightbulb went off in my head & I got a piece of paper & started having dad list all his fave singers. 
I got home & put the plan in action to make him the best damn CDever.  With Ts help, LOL.  Well we spent all AM today making it, listening to great music & singing.  T even grabbed me up & we danced!!  It was so nice to smile & relax.  Kiddos were in & out, they didnt get oldies music, LOL.
Off I went to the dermo. appt. I had to get a full skin check (which I am glad I did, had 2 precancer lesions removed  & being biopsied & a very annoying skin tag removed)  anyways, brought the CD to Dad & told him he had over 5 hours of music to dance to!!!
First song is Beach Boys song...tears.  My Dad cries alot lately, esp. when things remind him of his past.  Its good tears I think, and he sang along.  I was happy.  Then his nurse came & Dad chatted her up, on came the song The Twist.  I joked how great my Dad used to do it. My Daddy who has a huge baseball sized tumor in his neck, MRSA & depression, got up off his couch & did THE TWIST!!!!!!!!!!!  He smiled, I smiled & I thought to mysef 'I will NEVER forget this day'.  The power of music is awesome, the power of Chuck Berry is even awesomer.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Oy Vay

As my late grandpa liked to say...OY VAY.  And no we arent Jewish, he just always said it & it cracked me up. 
Found out this AM that Dad is getting his PICC line inserted at 1PM today since yesterdays port surgery didnt go thru.  Surgeon couldnt get port to go in as the tumor is so thickly embedded in his veins.  Scary shit.  So now I am praying the PICC goes in OK & doesnt cause him too much discomfort.  Mom also said that he was positive for MRSA infection on his wound site from his previous outter skin cancer surgery.  So now he has MRSA infection & Doc Lee (skin cancer surgeon) wants him to see an infection disease doc. 
Heres my quandry...Dad is getting chemo tomorrow & then weekly afterwords.  Doesnt chemo kill ALL cells good & bad?  Wont the MRSA just sorta take over his body & spread?!  Dont people DIE from MRSA?  Isnt Dad going to be super vulnerable to all types of infection once chemo is in him?  I just dont know if this chemo is going to allow MRSA to rapidly spread?!  I am not a doc.  But I still worry.  If I raise this to mom she will just shoot me down.  Every other thing I say about his treatment is poo poo'ed away...I  just like to be FULLY informed on what to expect, they seem to just trust their docs 100%.  Even tho yesterday Dad confessed to me he didnt trust any doc. 100%...well good for you dad, cuz neither do I!  After all the shit I been thru you most DEF. need to be your own advocate for your health.  Of course Dad is too weak to speak for himself & mom is too its ME doing the worrying & research, but all my findings are not heard.  Its frustrating.  I just pray ALOT. 
I gotta hope this chemo KILLS & eases this HUGE tumor that is impinging on his voice, on his trachea, on his carotoid artery.  Dr Collins (Chemo/cancer doc) said that chemo will make dad comfortable.  In other words there really isnt hope that dad will beat this tumor.  But at least be made comfortable.  Huh???  doesnt chemo cause puking, diahrea, fevers & just HORRIBLE feeling?!?!  But it will shrink the damn tumor I PRAY. 
In some ways I hope that one nite Dad will just stroke out & be out of misery.  He wants to die, he has no hope left, but then again he is now in a full on deep depression. & LORD knows I know all about depression.  He is supposed to be seeing a psych nurse today to possibly get on some anti depressants.  Never in a million years did I think I would ever have to think about my daddy dying.  I guess its inevitable, but didnt know I would have to sit by & watch it slowly eat him. 
It kills me.

LONNNG time coming..

I have been wanting to start a blog for a LONG time now.  I just never found the time or always found something else to do...I am a huge procrastinator. 
I decided I needed an outlet to vent on all the issues that happen in my life.  So much has gone on for me in 2010.  You would all shudder when you read it, LOL.  I am not sure who I will let read this, I am not sure anyone even WANTS to read this.  I just know that I love to write & it is a healing process for me & I feel more important when someone actually READS my stuff & comments.  I guess it validates me & makes me feel like less of a fuck up.  yeah I said the F-bomb.
I guess the best way to tell you is to just list it all..i am a huge fan of lists, btw!
-Grandma died in March 2010
-Grandpa died in Sept 2010
-Dad diagnosed with Stage III cancer, has inoperable tumor on neck due to squamous cell skin cancer going untreated, currently undergoing chemo & more than likely will pass in 2011.
-Me diagnosed with mood disorder/depression, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder & bi polar.
-Living with a crippling bladder disease since 2004, as well as fibromyalgia since 2005. 
-broke up with a long term boyfriend in Jan 2010 who I THOUGHT i was madly, crazy in love with, discovered I really wasnt, I was just co dependant
-Had some issues with pot smoking while with said boyfriend, also had an addiction to pain meds which I beat during one of the psych. hospital visits.
-Began intensive weekly therapy sessions to get my shit straight
-went into 2 diff. psych. hospitals 3 different times during the course of 2010 for anxiety
-attempted suicide in april 2010
-had a really mean, nasty ex husband but we suddenly reconnected Aug 210
-fell back in love with said ex husband & am now re-engaged to him...currently living together with our 3 kiddos, he has done a HUGE change & am madly in love
-adopted 2 adorable teacup chihuahuas for our Xmas present...expensive little suckers!
-Won social security disability after hiring a lawyer & won first try for my multiple issues.
-Discovered Jesus in May 2010 after a neighbor knocked on my door to talk to me..Christian now after being Catholic raised
-Currently dealing with a pretty bad over eating compulsion.
-Gained more than 50lbs due to various psych. medicines I was put on, highest weight I have ever been.

Oh & then in between all that drama, I was also a single mom to 3 kids...ages 8, 10 & 13.  Yeah...its alot.  Yeah, I get stressed...hence this blog.  So this blog is going to be about various issues as listed above, as well as whatever else dribbles out of my leaky mind!!