Saturday, February 26, 2011


Well its been some time since I got on here to write.  Seems like life is just speeding up & I am just hanging on, always tired, always wanting more time to do nothing, cuz I am always doing something.
Dad is now in Hospice, been there since Monday 21st.  Hes still hanging on holding his own, but hasnt eated in 21 days, all he gets is a little water, and coke.  Hospice doesnt provide anything to sustain life, just to make it very comfy to slip away.  He doesnt look like my daddy.  He is thinner, his hair is almost gone & hes just different.  Hes defeated & just wants to go, but is sooo scared.  He accepted God, YAY...but I am not sure if he did fully with his heart or just to appease me & mom.
I like going there when its just me &  him & i just sit next to him & hold his hand.  We watch TV in silence, he doesnt want to talk.  He just wants someone to be there.  Tonite i was with him & he was just given pain meds, so he fell asleep..i talked to him & said he could go, that i would take care of mommy & that the kids & I would be alright.  I told him what a great dad he was, what a hard worker & how much I love him.  I felt a sense of peace when I said this, mixed with sadness.  I am just grateful that I have this time to be with him. 
Things on the h omefront are good...right now my life is deeply emeshed with Hospice visits.  I am def. medicating myself alot with Ativan & percosets...It gets me thru the day easier. 
Im tired...but am glad I got to see Dad tonite.

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