mish mosh

been so busy with life that i have forgotten to LVIE mine.  I have pushed taking care of myself to the wayside, exercising, eating proper, taking time out for me, spiritually, mentally etc.  how can i be so lazy?!?  i am in a weird spot lately.  very angry.  very depressed.  very stuck. 
t & I fight all the time.  we found out the house we renting has mold all in ac & we are just breathing all that gunk in. the LL dont want to fix it, in fact they are ignoring  us.  WTF.  I am stressed beyond stressed.  i want to pack up & move somewhere clean & safe.  i  hate feeling like this house is dirty no matter how much i clean it.  i hate feeling out of control.   so i fight.  i pick fights with tony as he isnt seeing the same urge to elave as i have.  he is just la la la.  not really making much of an effort.  of course he has alot of other stuff going on.  been moved from road to jail took a huge toll on his self esteem.  he feels like less of a man & theres nothing i am doing to help him. 
the kids are spoiled...esp the girls.  i am pulling away from them so much its scary.  i just want to be left alone most of the tme.  i cant get happy or excited about things.  UNLESS i take some percoset...they are my magic pills.  they help me feel normal,  happy, social, talkative.  I am so confused. 
I eat allll the time now, binge is my middle name.  I am on weight watchers & never track my food.  Great plan, right???
i am always feeling so overwhelmed by life in general that stuffing my face makes me feel good.  it helps me forget, or taking a pill puts me in a different mood. I jus tdont know...

MIA..

Well its been some time since I got on here to write.  Seems like life is just speeding up & I am just hanging on, always tired, always wanting more time to do nothing, cuz I am always doing something.
Dad is now in Hospice, been there since Monday 21st.  Hes still hanging on holding his own, but hasnt eated in 21 days, all he gets is a little water, and coke.  Hospice doesnt provide anything to sustain life, just to make it very comfy to slip away.  He doesnt look like my daddy.  He is thinner, his hair is almost gone & hes just different.  Hes defeated & just wants to go, but is sooo scared.  He accepted God, YAY...but I am not sure if he did fully with his heart or just to appease me & mom.
I like going there when its just me &  him & i just sit next to him & hold his hand.  We watch TV in silence, he doesnt want to talk.  He just wants someone to be there.  Tonite i was with him & he was just given pain meds, so he fell asleep..i talked to him & said he could go, that i would take care of mommy & that the kids & I would be alright.  I told him what a great dad he was, what a hard worker & how much I love him.  I felt a sense of peace when I said this, mixed with sadness.  I am just grateful that I have this time to be with him. 
Things on the h omefront are good...right now my life is deeply emeshed with Hospice visits.  I am def. medicating myself alot with Ativan & percosets...It gets me thru the day easier. 
Im tired...but am glad I got to see Dad tonite.

sick

Soooo,  yet again I have been sick with some sinus/cold/snot thing.  It seems that every single week i come down with a cold.  It started again Sunday for me.  By Sun. nite i was feeling totally crap.  I caved in & had my script for amoxicillin filled & spent yesterday in & out of bed.  I have taken 2 of them & feel ALOT better.  Of course the amox. is doing a number on my belly...yuck.  If there is a side effect, yup i am going to get it. 
Determined to get on here more & blog...been slacking in this, as well as a million other things.  As N would say...I deserve it.  I keep needing to remind myself that it was only 6 short months ago that I was suicidal & in a psych hospital!!!

Dear Body...

At the request of my awesome therapist N...she has asked me to write a letter to my body thanking it for what its done...(i have horrible self esteem)
To the Body of Karen...
Where to start?!  You have held me up 36 years so far.  Your legs are strong & never failed me except when I was learning to walk.  I have never fallen or stumbled thanks to you.  Legs were always something I was proud of, long, lean & sexy.  I have let you go.  Now you dont feel pretty or look pretty, there is fat & cellulite all around your muscles, no more slim & trim.  I am so sorry for that. 
The belly has always been a touchy point.  When I was a teen ohhh I was so proud of  you!!  I showed off my awesome abs in little short belly shirts, I loved the guys drooling over my 6 pack of abs.  I was known for them, guys would ask to see my belly.  You were my pride.  I felt so sexy with you.  Then children came & you lovingly grew & held 3 full term babies inside you.  Of course you have stretch marks, which I am proud of.  HOwever, again..now I have let you go & not taken proper care of you.  I feed you junk like ice cream, cookies & chocolate.  You have grown alot, but now there is no baby inside, you are now just protruding thanks to a bad diet & no exercise.  I am so sorry belly.
To my arms, you were always slender & well toned.  I was never ashamed to show you off in sleeveless shirts.  Now again, I failed you. You are chunky with dimples & very large upper arms make me ashamed of you.  It isnt your fault, I did it to you.  All your doing, body, is keeping up with me.  I have put you thru hell for the past few years. 
First we were dramatically skinny thanks to our extrme stress. Then we leveld out to a good weight of 150.  Then ,my poor body, we all got sick.  My bladder got sick.  No its not my bladders fault.  It isnt my fault.  Its the way the cards were given.  Due to this, we had to take countless different medicines.  Countless medicines that had horrid effects on us.  We went thru pain, nausea, burning, hunger, so much.  This body I have has been thru so many trials.  Yet it still hangs on.  My heart beats, my lungs breathe.  I can move, I can see, I can hear.  I can speak.  You have held up.  Perhaps my psyche is weak but you, body, have been steadfast. 
I am so sorry for the pains you feel.  For the constant burning we feel in our pelvis due to our disease.  For how raw you are bladder.  For the shame & embarrasment I heaped on you body.  It isnt your fault.  All you are doing is keeping me alive..helping me move thru my life.  I am thankful for you.  I love you body for holding me up. 
Its time that I start to see you in a different light, a beautiful light.  Every single body out there has flaws, mine has many.  Yet it hasnt failed. You deserve love, pampering, wellness.  We should be putting in healthy, strong food.  We should be exercising & working up sweat to run off the toxins & poisons in us. 
I pray that someday, body, we will not be on all our meds.  We will be whole.  But in the meantime I promise to work better for you.  You deserve it after 36 years.  Its time your taken care of...

Boundaries...

Went to see my awesome therapist N yestserday.  Spilled my guts as usual & got great feedback & advice.  So thankful for her.  One thing I am learning is to set up boundaries in my life.  Something I have NEVER done in my life.  I just let people walk all over me & do what they want to me, with me absorbing the impact & stuffing down feelings.  Cant do that anymore.  Now that I am learning to be healthier I realize I need to set boundaries priority with my parents.  Dad is only allowed 10 minutes of suicide talking, whining & whimpering...anymore & I am outta there.  He has to pick himself up & MOVe.  I love him but I am not going to be his whipping girl & absorb all his negative feelings about his cancer.  Sounds mean, but Dad dumps ALL his negativity on me.  He speaks about dying & suicide every single time I see him..it takes alot out ya, ya think?!!? 
Another one is mom...her & I have a very rocky relationship.  Mom is an ostrich, she buries her head & whistles sunshine out her ass.  True.  However she can be very mean.  Very manipulative without even trying.  I see it now that I am healthy.  She cant control me & she no likey!  So she calls me names, like chubby, chunky.  She puts down T, she puts down my parenting, she is the queen of guilt trips.  Her & I will have a long talk about this.  I dont know when..but its gonna happen.
T's ex wife came back into the pic today by FB.  She sent me a message, we chatted a bit, T isnt happy.  I dont want drama &  neither does he.  The ex claims she wants none either...not so sure.  I friended her just to see some pics of her new baby...after that..I think i am going to de friend.  That is the past.  She was a horrible wife to T.  I am the TRUE wife, in my mind.  She was like a replacement for me.  No drama = happy relationship. 
Feeling overwhlemed with moving & packing up myplace.  I have so much STUFF.  Just stuff..papers, knickknacks, kitchenware, towels...OH MY.  I hate moving.  Immensley.  Totally.  I hate it.  But I need to do it if I am ever going to rent this house out.  I basically live at T's yet I pay my mort. for this house,  I pay cable, phone, water, electric...thats alot of money for a whole lotta nothing.  I am hoping by end of Feb. we are all moved in & can concentrate on renting out my house.  Oh the money we would save!  :-) 

waterworks..

Thank goodness last nite i was able to hava  good cry.  I am a firm believer in needing a good cry every couple of weeks.  It had been a LONG while since I had one.  REALLY long.  Finding out my dad had cnacer I cried, but it last about 2 minutes.  This one was a snot running down your face, sobbing, cant catch your breath sobfest that lasted about 15 min.  It was building.
It happened when I had all the kids into bed, it was quiet, I turned off all the lights.  Then I felt the urge to get on my knees & pray.  So I did.  I called out to heaven, to God, to Jesus.  I rambled on about my life & the things in it...crying the entire time.  I had to pull myself togethr when T pulled in te driveway home early.  But I still was crying when he got in.  Thankfully I have an understanding man...he just held me & let me sniffle it out.  I thought I would feel better, but honestly I dont.  I slept horribly last nite.  I ended up taking a full ambien to sleep & that hardly helped.
I woke up this AM feeling depressed very very down.  Stuff is getting to me.  Then I had to take Dad to the doc.  I spent 90 minutes with him &  I couldnt stay longer.  Between him crying out in pain, cursing everything & generally being mean I just couldnt stay.  Not to mention he now gags & retches due to inablity to swallow thanks to the tumor.  I had to pull over even for him to spit out.  Its a horible thing to see this.  To watch your Dad be reduced to nothing.  To say he wants to die.  To hear him say he thinks the Lord is punishing him.  For him to tel me he is just about dead.  That he cant go on any longer.  I take the brunt of those feelings from him.  He is careful around Mom as he cares more for her.  Its true.  She is his safety blanket.  He is in desparate need of counseling, as is mom.  Neither listens to me. 
Dad doesnt want to do pain meds because hes tired of scripts & docs.  He didnt take his meds this AM to see what happened.  UMMM< he was in pain..HELLO?!?!  You have cancer.  He thinks he is going to get better.  I know & feel different.  This chemo is a waste.  He will die from this cancer.  I wish he would just go to Hospice & be made comfy.  Mom & Dad have all their faith that chemo is the answer.  I wish I felt the same.  I feel like a bad daughter for wishing my fathers demise.  I struggle with that alot.
I am dealing with my own stuff too.  I need to get regulated on my meds.  I am taking myself off the Cymbalta..& I am re starting the Elavil.  Yes the same drug that made me fat...yet had me sleeping like a baby, feeling normal.  I guess I will just be fat?!  HELLS NO.  Exercise is he key.  I need to get off my lazy ass.  Yeah..just tell my body that..

tangled thoughts

thats how i have been feeling last few days.  my thoughts are all jumbled up, i am dsorganized feeling & feel myself falling into a depression.  its been this way since i started back up on the cymbalta..started it 2 weeks ago today to 30 mg then upped a few days ago to 60mg.  since doing so i have noticed i have no energy at all, i am feeling overwhelmed by my kids, by tony, by doing stuff.  i feel guilty all the time with the kids.  i am sweating buckets at the drop ofa hat..so embarrasing.  i took the girls to the mall today & let b & S walk the mall alone while I stayed with littleones, well i sweated thru my shirt, my face was dripping sweat.  it was crazy.  i was so mortified.  it makes the depression worse.  i know a side effect of cymbalta is excessing sweating.  not to mention insomnia..wich i have now too.  i have resorted to taking 1/2 an ambien at nite to help me sleep.  i am lucky if i get 5 hours a nite.  not to mention that my ic is really bad last few weeks, i am relying heavily on pain meds.  i hate that.  i hate feeling how i feel. 
i wish i could pull myself out of this slump, feels like i been in it forever.  i am sick of being sick & tired.  i just dontknow what to do anymore, i want to hide in bed & pull the covers over me honestly.  SHIT SHIT SHIT.