Dad had his 1st chemo appt. today. It was so sad. They have it in this room with a nurses desk in the middle & a bunch of comfy chairs surrounding it. In the chairs sit people fighting for their lives. Today my dad joined their ranks. He will go weekly for...well, we dont really know HOW long. He is getting smaller dosage of chemo so we are hopefully chemo side effects wont be as strong. We got to speak with his oncology doc. He stated that right now its just a guessing game if chemo will work. HE also mentioned that somewhere down the line in a few months if the tumor does NOT shrink we will need to address the topic of hospice care. Meaning...dad is going to die. That just stuck out to me in the entire conversation. No one wants to see their loved one hurt or be in pain. Is it wrong of me to wish my dad out of this??? Am I a bad daughter because I just dont have hope this will work? How horrible is it of me to wish my dads death for his sake & peace? I struggle with this.
On another topic T is sick. He spent most of last nite sleeping fitfully, he woke up this AM & is currently snoring on the couch. AFTER he took one of my Tyl 3...and after he picked a fight with me on how much our kids eat. I admtted alot of the missing food was none other than me. But yep, we have 3 growing kids & yep they eat alot....they arent babies anymore!! I offer healthy choices mixed with some junk. Once I go on my detox diet...there wont be half as much crap in this house. But seriously t fight with me over ou kids eating habits????? After I just came back from chemo with Dad? Not cool T, not cool at all. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt & say it was the Tyl 3 talking...
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
LONNNG time coming..
I have been wanting to start a blog for a LONG time now. I just never found the time or always found something else to do...I am a huge procrastinator.
I decided I needed an outlet to vent on all the issues that happen in my life. So much has gone on for me in 2010. You would all shudder when you read it, LOL. I am not sure who I will let read this, I am not sure anyone even WANTS to read this. I just know that I love to write & it is a healing process for me & I feel more important when someone actually READS my stuff & comments. I guess it validates me & makes me feel like less of a fuck up. yeah I said the F-bomb.
I guess the best way to tell you is to just list it all..i am a huge fan of lists, btw!
-Grandma died in March 2010
-Grandpa died in Sept 2010
-Dad diagnosed with Stage III cancer, has inoperable tumor on neck due to squamous cell skin cancer going untreated, currently undergoing chemo & more than likely will pass in 2011.
-Me diagnosed with mood disorder/depression, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder & bi polar.
-Living with a crippling bladder disease since 2004, as well as fibromyalgia since 2005.
-broke up with a long term boyfriend in Jan 2010 who I THOUGHT i was madly, crazy in love with, discovered I really wasnt, I was just co dependant
-Had some issues with pot smoking while with said boyfriend, also had an addiction to pain meds which I beat during one of the psych. hospital visits.
-Began intensive weekly therapy sessions to get my shit straight
-went into 2 diff. psych. hospitals 3 different times during the course of 2010 for anxiety
-attempted suicide in april 2010
-had a really mean, nasty ex husband but we suddenly reconnected Aug 210
-fell back in love with said ex husband & am now re-engaged to him...currently living together with our 3 kiddos, he has done a HUGE change & am madly in love
-adopted 2 adorable teacup chihuahuas for our Xmas present...expensive little suckers!
-Won social security disability after hiring a lawyer & won first try for my multiple issues.
-Discovered Jesus in May 2010 after a neighbor knocked on my door to talk to me..Christian now after being Catholic raised
-Currently dealing with a pretty bad over eating compulsion.
-Gained more than 50lbs due to various psych. medicines I was put on, highest weight I have ever been.
Oh & then in between all that drama, I was also a single mom to 3 kids...ages 8, 10 & 13. Yeah...its alot. Yeah, I get stressed...hence this blog. So this blog is going to be about various issues as listed above, as well as whatever else dribbles out of my leaky mind!!
I decided I needed an outlet to vent on all the issues that happen in my life. So much has gone on for me in 2010. You would all shudder when you read it, LOL. I am not sure who I will let read this, I am not sure anyone even WANTS to read this. I just know that I love to write & it is a healing process for me & I feel more important when someone actually READS my stuff & comments. I guess it validates me & makes me feel like less of a fuck up. yeah I said the F-bomb.
I guess the best way to tell you is to just list it all..i am a huge fan of lists, btw!
-Grandma died in March 2010
-Grandpa died in Sept 2010
-Dad diagnosed with Stage III cancer, has inoperable tumor on neck due to squamous cell skin cancer going untreated, currently undergoing chemo & more than likely will pass in 2011.
-Me diagnosed with mood disorder/depression, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder & bi polar.
-Living with a crippling bladder disease since 2004, as well as fibromyalgia since 2005.
-broke up with a long term boyfriend in Jan 2010 who I THOUGHT i was madly, crazy in love with, discovered I really wasnt, I was just co dependant
-Had some issues with pot smoking while with said boyfriend, also had an addiction to pain meds which I beat during one of the psych. hospital visits.
-Began intensive weekly therapy sessions to get my shit straight
-went into 2 diff. psych. hospitals 3 different times during the course of 2010 for anxiety
-attempted suicide in april 2010
-had a really mean, nasty ex husband but we suddenly reconnected Aug 210
-fell back in love with said ex husband & am now re-engaged to him...currently living together with our 3 kiddos, he has done a HUGE change & am madly in love
-adopted 2 adorable teacup chihuahuas for our Xmas present...expensive little suckers!
-Won social security disability after hiring a lawyer & won first try for my multiple issues.
-Discovered Jesus in May 2010 after a neighbor knocked on my door to talk to me..Christian now after being Catholic raised
-Currently dealing with a pretty bad over eating compulsion.
-Gained more than 50lbs due to various psych. medicines I was put on, highest weight I have ever been.
Oh & then in between all that drama, I was also a single mom to 3 kids...ages 8, 10 & 13. Yeah...its alot. Yeah, I get stressed...hence this blog. So this blog is going to be about various issues as listed above, as well as whatever else dribbles out of my leaky mind!!