Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Sunday, January 16, 2011
underwear...
Hmmm, just tried to put on a pair of undies that always fit before, but now cannot get them past my hips. Good lord...I am huge, arent I??? Why on earth wont I slow down my eating & DIET?!?! I dont get me. I weigh 217 lbs & am 5ft 7. What a freaking mess.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
NOPE to the diet..
I cant do the detox diet now that I am on all these psych meds. It messes WAYYY to much with my entire body & well as my psyche. I found myself getting more & more anxious as Friday went on...I ended up sending poor T out to the pharmacy to get me some Ativan as I was on the verge of a panic attack. I just cant do it! That detox kit cost me 300 bucks!!!!!!! Now I dont know what to do...I doubt the doc. will take it back, mom doesnt want it...well perhaps down the road I will be able to use it..THINKING POSITIVE.
Dad is doing ok, no major side effects from chemo..he is just worn out, totally. Poor guy..but he is a trooper!
Kids were awesome this weekend, I am feeling closer & closer to them. Especially B, lately she has been confiding in me alot more & we have been laughing alot more too. I love to see her turning into a young woman. Scary, but good!!!
Went to church last nite & cried during the singing..FINALLY. I was just touched by the song & the message, I havent cried in church in a while, it felt so good. I am looking forward to getting more involved in the church & finally making some FRIENDS. I miss girlfriends, I really do.
Dad is doing ok, no major side effects from chemo..he is just worn out, totally. Poor guy..but he is a trooper!
Kids were awesome this weekend, I am feeling closer & closer to them. Especially B, lately she has been confiding in me alot more & we have been laughing alot more too. I love to see her turning into a young woman. Scary, but good!!!
Went to church last nite & cried during the singing..FINALLY. I was just touched by the song & the message, I havent cried in church in a while, it felt so good. I am looking forward to getting more involved in the church & finally making some FRIENDS. I miss girlfriends, I really do.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
God listened...
To all our prayers & Dad got his port put in this afternoon at hospital on the first try. No need for dye in his jugular or ultrasound guidance...we had a great doc who knew what he was doing & it was put in. This means that Dad can now begin chemo on Thur. & start his battle. My parents both think chemo is going to "cure" Dad...I keep stressed to mom how rough it might be, even worse than it is now. Both are in complete denial...sigh. Its frustrating. I did pray with Dad at his bedside & felt very comforted in doing so. Thank GOD for God, LOL.
Side note...after being in the hospital for 3 hours I decided to stop at PUblix & buy myself a 10 pack of Twix...I ate them all. (sigh). Tomorrow thus begins Detox...I swear.
Side note...after being in the hospital for 3 hours I decided to stop at PUblix & buy myself a 10 pack of Twix...I ate them all. (sigh). Tomorrow thus begins Detox...I swear.
Monday, January 3, 2011
moooore meds...geesh
so today i visited my lovely shrink. only had to wait 1 hour today, usually its about a 90 min. wait. Yeah, its bad.
I am feeling alot better being on the mood stablizer Triliptal, not so up & down like I was for a while there. Keeping that dose the same. Staying on the lexapro, eliminating the doxepin as it gave me CRAAAAZY dreams, night sweats & yes..more weight gain. So as of tonite I will be off all anti deprr. that make you gain weight..YAY.
My med lists looks like this:
AM..
.1 Elmiron (for my IC)
20 mg Lexapro
300 MG Triliptal
1 Allegra allergy pill (dont think it helps allergies AT ALL)
PM
1 Elmiron
300 MG Triliptal
30 MG Cymbalta
1 Vistaril (antihist. to help me sleep)
And I take .25-.50 mg of Ativan daily to keep me chilled out.
Plus thruout the day if I am having pain I will have MOtrin, Tylenol 3 or half a percocet...depends on my pain level with the IC.
I am going to participate in another IC study thru Harvard Med. on the study of IC genes. All I need to do is give them some spit & pee so they can get all my DNA & analyze it. Then they will study it to see if my genes are whacked out causing the IC. I pray that being in these studie help!! This is the 3rd one I am participating in since diagnosed, makes me feel useful.
REally thinking that I am just going to stay at TOnys from now on & just flit back to my place when something is needed. Of course eventually that house needs to get rentd out. Tony has a much bigger place 5bed 4 bath is pretty sweet::-)
Praying i begin to drop some weight now. I am not on anything that really loads the weight on like Elavil & Doxepin did. Its all on me. I am VERY interested in going to some OA meetins ASAP. First concern is Dad..I take him tomorrow afternoon to get his PICC line in & then chemo on Thur. I know he is nervous. I just pray it all goes right & the chemo gives him some relief OR that God just takes him away from this pain.
I am feeling alot better being on the mood stablizer Triliptal, not so up & down like I was for a while there. Keeping that dose the same. Staying on the lexapro, eliminating the doxepin as it gave me CRAAAAZY dreams, night sweats & yes..more weight gain. So as of tonite I will be off all anti deprr. that make you gain weight..YAY.
My med lists looks like this:
AM..
.1 Elmiron (for my IC)
20 mg Lexapro
300 MG Triliptal
1 Allegra allergy pill (dont think it helps allergies AT ALL)
PM
1 Elmiron
300 MG Triliptal
30 MG Cymbalta
1 Vistaril (antihist. to help me sleep)
And I take .25-.50 mg of Ativan daily to keep me chilled out.
Plus thruout the day if I am having pain I will have MOtrin, Tylenol 3 or half a percocet...depends on my pain level with the IC.
I am going to participate in another IC study thru Harvard Med. on the study of IC genes. All I need to do is give them some spit & pee so they can get all my DNA & analyze it. Then they will study it to see if my genes are whacked out causing the IC. I pray that being in these studie help!! This is the 3rd one I am participating in since diagnosed, makes me feel useful.
REally thinking that I am just going to stay at TOnys from now on & just flit back to my place when something is needed. Of course eventually that house needs to get rentd out. Tony has a much bigger place 5bed 4 bath is pretty sweet::-)
Praying i begin to drop some weight now. I am not on anything that really loads the weight on like Elavil & Doxepin did. Its all on me. I am VERY interested in going to some OA meetins ASAP. First concern is Dad..I take him tomorrow afternoon to get his PICC line in & then chemo on Thur. I know he is nervous. I just pray it all goes right & the chemo gives him some relief OR that God just takes him away from this pain.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
DONEZO...
Yeah, ummmm so the detox diet lasted about 2 hours.
I just cant commit to it now. There is too much going on on my life. Between worrying about Dad, worrying about my health, worrying about where to live, worrying that I am not the best mom, worrying about everything else...I just CANT.
Tony wants to talk about me renting my house out...ughhh. I want to, I want to snap my fingers & have all my stuff moved here & organized. It aint gonna happen that way, is it?
I need an assistant.
I just cant commit to it now. There is too much going on on my life. Between worrying about Dad, worrying about my health, worrying about where to live, worrying that I am not the best mom, worrying about everything else...I just CANT.
Tony wants to talk about me renting my house out...ughhh. I want to, I want to snap my fingers & have all my stuff moved here & organized. It aint gonna happen that way, is it?
I need an assistant.
And so it begins...
Happy 2011! WHOOOOOPIE DOO, LOL.
Today I started my 21 day detox diet. Of course after I took 10 vitamins & supplements I took that oppotunity to binge on ice cream, candy & banana chips. Kids were gone at church & Tony was asleep. PERFECT binge time. I hate it. I am getting sneakier & sneakier with y eating, because I am so embarassed at how heavy I am. I weighed myself this AM...220lbs. OMG. OMFG is more like it. The heaviest I was when preg. was 178...wow. I would love to weigh 150lbs. That means I need to lose 70lbs. This detox diet should be a good jumpstart. PLUS I must get to OA meetings ASAP. I need support for SURE to beat this over eating.
Dad had a rough nite the nite before with hard to breathe, lots of coughing, rough to swallow. Mom has to deal with it all & I feel so bad. I just wish she would seek out some help from counseling groups for caretakers. I cant do it for her though. I am taking Dad Tue. afternoon to get his PICC line put in & then Thu. is his first chemo. Mom is thinking chemo will literally fix him. I have a different view. I think he will do one round, feel like HELL & then stop it. I think he will just give up & go. He doesnt want to fight. We cant fight for him. I just want him to be out of pain & HAPPY for his last days. I want mom to realize that there is a VERY good chance this chemo will break him down even more & he will get sicker & worse, not better. She looks at life thru rose colored glasses & when I bring up the hell that chemo is...she dismisses me. I need to remember that is HER. I cant fix her. SHe will be herself. I can just do me & prepare myself. Its tough.
OK, off to walk Simba for a spin around the lake.
Today I started my 21 day detox diet. Of course after I took 10 vitamins & supplements I took that oppotunity to binge on ice cream, candy & banana chips. Kids were gone at church & Tony was asleep. PERFECT binge time. I hate it. I am getting sneakier & sneakier with y eating, because I am so embarassed at how heavy I am. I weighed myself this AM...220lbs. OMG. OMFG is more like it. The heaviest I was when preg. was 178...wow. I would love to weigh 150lbs. That means I need to lose 70lbs. This detox diet should be a good jumpstart. PLUS I must get to OA meetings ASAP. I need support for SURE to beat this over eating.
Dad had a rough nite the nite before with hard to breathe, lots of coughing, rough to swallow. Mom has to deal with it all & I feel so bad. I just wish she would seek out some help from counseling groups for caretakers. I cant do it for her though. I am taking Dad Tue. afternoon to get his PICC line put in & then Thu. is his first chemo. Mom is thinking chemo will literally fix him. I have a different view. I think he will do one round, feel like HELL & then stop it. I think he will just give up & go. He doesnt want to fight. We cant fight for him. I just want him to be out of pain & HAPPY for his last days. I want mom to realize that there is a VERY good chance this chemo will break him down even more & he will get sicker & worse, not better. She looks at life thru rose colored glasses & when I bring up the hell that chemo is...she dismisses me. I need to remember that is HER. I cant fix her. SHe will be herself. I can just do me & prepare myself. Its tough.
OK, off to walk Simba for a spin around the lake.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
ICK
Just a quick side note on how grossed out I am by my weight. I dont even do the scale aymore. It scares me. I am doing a 21 day detox diet once kiddos head back to schol on Jan 3, but in the meantime my eating is soaring to new levels of crazy.
I now have this belly that hangs, this coming from the chick who used towear half shirts & have guys amazed at my gorgeous abs. Yeah....these freaking psych drugs I takeSUCK ASS. Yeah they keep me stable in my mood, but LORD I am almost 220 lbs & I am only 5 ft 6!!!!!!!! I used to think 150 was heffer mode, but I would give my left boob for 150.
Overeating is most def. a big part & Im soooo needing to get to an OA meeting ASAP.
Determined to hit the gym tomorrow & MOVE. I havent worked out in weeks thanks to holidays, kids being home, Dad & having 2 colds in a row...ENOUGH. I gotta get moving!
I now have this belly that hangs, this coming from the chick who used towear half shirts & have guys amazed at my gorgeous abs. Yeah....these freaking psych drugs I takeSUCK ASS. Yeah they keep me stable in my mood, but LORD I am almost 220 lbs & I am only 5 ft 6!!!!!!!! I used to think 150 was heffer mode, but I would give my left boob for 150.
Overeating is most def. a big part & Im soooo needing to get to an OA meeting ASAP.
Determined to hit the gym tomorrow & MOVE. I havent worked out in weeks thanks to holidays, kids being home, Dad & having 2 colds in a row...ENOUGH. I gotta get moving!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
LONNNG time coming..
I have been wanting to start a blog for a LONG time now. I just never found the time or always found something else to do...I am a huge procrastinator.
I decided I needed an outlet to vent on all the issues that happen in my life. So much has gone on for me in 2010. You would all shudder when you read it, LOL. I am not sure who I will let read this, I am not sure anyone even WANTS to read this. I just know that I love to write & it is a healing process for me & I feel more important when someone actually READS my stuff & comments. I guess it validates me & makes me feel like less of a fuck up. yeah I said the F-bomb.
I guess the best way to tell you is to just list it all..i am a huge fan of lists, btw!
-Grandma died in March 2010
-Grandpa died in Sept 2010
-Dad diagnosed with Stage III cancer, has inoperable tumor on neck due to squamous cell skin cancer going untreated, currently undergoing chemo & more than likely will pass in 2011.
-Me diagnosed with mood disorder/depression, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder & bi polar.
-Living with a crippling bladder disease since 2004, as well as fibromyalgia since 2005.
-broke up with a long term boyfriend in Jan 2010 who I THOUGHT i was madly, crazy in love with, discovered I really wasnt, I was just co dependant
-Had some issues with pot smoking while with said boyfriend, also had an addiction to pain meds which I beat during one of the psych. hospital visits.
-Began intensive weekly therapy sessions to get my shit straight
-went into 2 diff. psych. hospitals 3 different times during the course of 2010 for anxiety
-attempted suicide in april 2010
-had a really mean, nasty ex husband but we suddenly reconnected Aug 210
-fell back in love with said ex husband & am now re-engaged to him...currently living together with our 3 kiddos, he has done a HUGE change & am madly in love
-adopted 2 adorable teacup chihuahuas for our Xmas present...expensive little suckers!
-Won social security disability after hiring a lawyer & won first try for my multiple issues.
-Discovered Jesus in May 2010 after a neighbor knocked on my door to talk to me..Christian now after being Catholic raised
-Currently dealing with a pretty bad over eating compulsion.
-Gained more than 50lbs due to various psych. medicines I was put on, highest weight I have ever been.
Oh & then in between all that drama, I was also a single mom to 3 kids...ages 8, 10 & 13. Yeah...its alot. Yeah, I get stressed...hence this blog. So this blog is going to be about various issues as listed above, as well as whatever else dribbles out of my leaky mind!!
I decided I needed an outlet to vent on all the issues that happen in my life. So much has gone on for me in 2010. You would all shudder when you read it, LOL. I am not sure who I will let read this, I am not sure anyone even WANTS to read this. I just know that I love to write & it is a healing process for me & I feel more important when someone actually READS my stuff & comments. I guess it validates me & makes me feel like less of a fuck up. yeah I said the F-bomb.
I guess the best way to tell you is to just list it all..i am a huge fan of lists, btw!
-Grandma died in March 2010
-Grandpa died in Sept 2010
-Dad diagnosed with Stage III cancer, has inoperable tumor on neck due to squamous cell skin cancer going untreated, currently undergoing chemo & more than likely will pass in 2011.
-Me diagnosed with mood disorder/depression, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder & bi polar.
-Living with a crippling bladder disease since 2004, as well as fibromyalgia since 2005.
-broke up with a long term boyfriend in Jan 2010 who I THOUGHT i was madly, crazy in love with, discovered I really wasnt, I was just co dependant
-Had some issues with pot smoking while with said boyfriend, also had an addiction to pain meds which I beat during one of the psych. hospital visits.
-Began intensive weekly therapy sessions to get my shit straight
-went into 2 diff. psych. hospitals 3 different times during the course of 2010 for anxiety
-attempted suicide in april 2010
-had a really mean, nasty ex husband but we suddenly reconnected Aug 210
-fell back in love with said ex husband & am now re-engaged to him...currently living together with our 3 kiddos, he has done a HUGE change & am madly in love
-adopted 2 adorable teacup chihuahuas for our Xmas present...expensive little suckers!
-Won social security disability after hiring a lawyer & won first try for my multiple issues.
-Discovered Jesus in May 2010 after a neighbor knocked on my door to talk to me..Christian now after being Catholic raised
-Currently dealing with a pretty bad over eating compulsion.
-Gained more than 50lbs due to various psych. medicines I was put on, highest weight I have ever been.
Oh & then in between all that drama, I was also a single mom to 3 kids...ages 8, 10 & 13. Yeah...its alot. Yeah, I get stressed...hence this blog. So this blog is going to be about various issues as listed above, as well as whatever else dribbles out of my leaky mind!!