Saturday, May 14, 2011

mish mosh

been so busy with life that i have forgotten to LVIE mine.  I have pushed taking care of myself to the wayside, exercising, eating proper, taking time out for me, spiritually, mentally etc.  how can i be so lazy?!?  i am in a weird spot lately.  very angry.  very depressed.  very stuck. 
t & I fight all the time.  we found out the house we renting has mold all in ac & we are just breathing all that gunk in. the LL dont want to fix it, in fact they are ignoring  us.  WTF.  I am stressed beyond stressed.  i want to pack up & move somewhere clean & safe.  i  hate feeling like this house is dirty no matter how much i clean it.  i hate feeling out of control.   so i fight.  i pick fights with tony as he isnt seeing the same urge to elave as i have.  he is just la la la.  not really making much of an effort.  of course he has alot of other stuff going on.  been moved from road to jail took a huge toll on his self esteem.  he feels like less of a man & theres nothing i am doing to help him. 
the kids are spoiled...esp the girls.  i am pulling away from them so much its scary.  i just want to be left alone most of the tme.  i cant get happy or excited about things.  UNLESS i take some percoset...they are my magic pills.  they help me feel normal,  happy, social, talkative.  I am so confused. 
I eat allll the time now, binge is my middle name.  I am on weight watchers & never track my food.  Great plan, right???
i am always feeling so overwhelmed by life in general that stuffing my face makes me feel good.  it helps me forget, or taking a pill puts me in a different mood. I jus tdont know...

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