Saturday, May 14, 2011

mish mosh

been so busy with life that i have forgotten to LVIE mine.  I have pushed taking care of myself to the wayside, exercising, eating proper, taking time out for me, spiritually, mentally etc.  how can i be so lazy?!?  i am in a weird spot lately.  very angry.  very depressed.  very stuck. 
t & I fight all the time.  we found out the house we renting has mold all in ac & we are just breathing all that gunk in. the LL dont want to fix it, in fact they are ignoring  us.  WTF.  I am stressed beyond stressed.  i want to pack up & move somewhere clean & safe.  i  hate feeling like this house is dirty no matter how much i clean it.  i hate feeling out of control.   so i fight.  i pick fights with tony as he isnt seeing the same urge to elave as i have.  he is just la la la.  not really making much of an effort.  of course he has alot of other stuff going on.  been moved from road to jail took a huge toll on his self esteem.  he feels like less of a man & theres nothing i am doing to help him. 
the kids are spoiled...esp the girls.  i am pulling away from them so much its scary.  i just want to be left alone most of the tme.  i cant get happy or excited about things.  UNLESS i take some percoset...they are my magic pills.  they help me feel normal,  happy, social, talkative.  I am so confused. 
I eat allll the time now, binge is my middle name.  I am on weight watchers & never track my food.  Great plan, right???
i am always feeling so overwhelmed by life in general that stuffing my face makes me feel good.  it helps me forget, or taking a pill puts me in a different mood. I jus tdont know...

Saturday, February 26, 2011


Well its been some time since I got on here to write.  Seems like life is just speeding up & I am just hanging on, always tired, always wanting more time to do nothing, cuz I am always doing something.
Dad is now in Hospice, been there since Monday 21st.  Hes still hanging on holding his own, but hasnt eated in 21 days, all he gets is a little water, and coke.  Hospice doesnt provide anything to sustain life, just to make it very comfy to slip away.  He doesnt look like my daddy.  He is thinner, his hair is almost gone & hes just different.  Hes defeated & just wants to go, but is sooo scared.  He accepted God, YAY...but I am not sure if he did fully with his heart or just to appease me & mom.
I like going there when its just me &  him & i just sit next to him & hold his hand.  We watch TV in silence, he doesnt want to talk.  He just wants someone to be there.  Tonite i was with him & he was just given pain meds, so he fell asleep..i talked to him & said he could go, that i would take care of mommy & that the kids & I would be alright.  I told him what a great dad he was, what a hard worker & how much I love him.  I felt a sense of peace when I said this, mixed with sadness.  I am just grateful that I have this time to be with him. 
Things on the h omefront are good...right now my life is deeply emeshed with Hospice visits.  I am def. medicating myself alot with Ativan & percosets...It gets me thru the day easier. 
Im tired...but am glad I got to see Dad tonite.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Soooo,  yet again I have been sick with some sinus/cold/snot thing.  It seems that every single week i come down with a cold.  It started again Sunday for me.  By Sun. nite i was feeling totally crap.  I caved in & had my script for amoxicillin filled & spent yesterday in & out of bed.  I have taken 2 of them & feel ALOT better.  Of course the amox. is doing a number on my belly...yuck.  If there is a side effect, yup i am going to get it. 
Determined to get on here more & blog...been slacking in this, as well as a million other things.  As N would say...I deserve it.  I keep needing to remind myself that it was only 6 short months ago that I was suicidal & in a psych hospital!!!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Dear Body...

At the request of my awesome therapist N...she has asked me to write a letter to my body thanking it for what its done...(i have horrible self esteem)
To the Body of Karen...
Where to start?!  You have held me up 36 years so far.  Your legs are strong & never failed me except when I was learning to walk.  I have never fallen or stumbled thanks to you.  Legs were always something I was proud of, long, lean & sexy.  I have let you go.  Now you dont feel pretty or look pretty, there is fat & cellulite all around your muscles, no more slim & trim.  I am so sorry for that. 
The belly has always been a touchy point.  When I was a teen ohhh I was so proud of  you!!  I showed off my awesome abs in little short belly shirts, I loved the guys drooling over my 6 pack of abs.  I was known for them, guys would ask to see my belly.  You were my pride.  I felt so sexy with you.  Then children came & you lovingly grew & held 3 full term babies inside you.  Of course you have stretch marks, which I am proud of.  HOwever, I have let you go & not taken proper care of you.  I feed you junk like ice cream, cookies & chocolate.  You have grown alot, but now there is no baby inside, you are now just protruding thanks to a bad diet & no exercise.  I am so sorry belly.
To my arms, you were always slender & well toned.  I was never ashamed to show you off in sleeveless shirts.  Now again, I failed you. You are chunky with dimples & very large upper arms make me ashamed of you.  It isnt your fault, I did it to you.  All your doing, body, is keeping up with me.  I have put you thru hell for the past few years. 
First we were dramatically skinny thanks to our extrme stress. Then we leveld out to a good weight of 150.  Then ,my poor body, we all got sick.  My bladder got sick.  No its not my bladders fault.  It isnt my fault.  Its the way the cards were given.  Due to this, we had to take countless different medicines.  Countless medicines that had horrid effects on us.  We went thru pain, nausea, burning, hunger, so much.  This body I have has been thru so many trials.  Yet it still hangs on.  My heart beats, my lungs breathe.  I can move, I can see, I can hear.  I can speak.  You have held up.  Perhaps my psyche is weak but you, body, have been steadfast. 
I am so sorry for the pains you feel.  For the constant burning we feel in our pelvis due to our disease.  For how raw you are bladder.  For the shame & embarrasment I heaped on you body.  It isnt your fault.  All you are doing is keeping me alive..helping me move thru my life.  I am thankful for you.  I love you body for holding me up. 
Its time that I start to see you in a different light, a beautiful light.  Every single body out there has flaws, mine has many.  Yet it hasnt failed. You deserve love, pampering, wellness.  We should be putting in healthy, strong food.  We should be exercising & working up sweat to run off the toxins & poisons in us. 
I pray that someday, body, we will not be on all our meds.  We will be whole.  But in the meantime I promise to work better for you.  You deserve it after 36 years.  Its time your taken care of...

Friday, January 21, 2011


Went to see my awesome therapist N yestserday.  Spilled my guts as usual & got great feedback & advice.  So thankful for her.  One thing I am learning is to set up boundaries in my life.  Something I have NEVER done in my life.  I just let people walk all over me & do what they want to me, with me absorbing the impact & stuffing down feelings.  Cant do that anymore.  Now that I am learning to be healthier I realize I need to set boundaries priority with my parents.  Dad is only allowed 10 minutes of suicide talking, whining & whimpering...anymore & I am outta there.  He has to pick himself up & MOVe.  I love him but I am not going to be his whipping girl & absorb all his negative feelings about his cancer.  Sounds mean, but Dad dumps ALL his negativity on me.  He speaks about dying & suicide every single time I see takes alot out ya, ya think?!!? 
Another one is mom...her & I have a very rocky relationship.  Mom is an ostrich, she buries her head & whistles sunshine out her ass.  True.  However she can be very mean.  Very manipulative without even trying.  I see it now that I am healthy.  She cant control me & she no likey!  So she calls me names, like chubby, chunky.  She puts down T, she puts down my parenting, she is the queen of guilt trips.  Her & I will have a long talk about this.  I dont know when..but its gonna happen.
T's ex wife came back into the pic today by FB.  She sent me a message, we chatted a bit, T isnt happy.  I dont want drama &  neither does he.  The ex claims she wants none either...not so sure.  I friended her just to see some pics of her new baby...after that..I think i am going to de friend.  That is the past.  She was a horrible wife to T.  I am the TRUE wife, in my mind.  She was like a replacement for me.  No drama = happy relationship. 
Feeling overwhlemed with moving & packing up myplace.  I have so much STUFF.  Just stuff..papers, knickknacks, kitchenware, towels...OH MY.  I hate moving.  Immensley.  Totally.  I hate it.  But I need to do it if I am ever going to rent this house out.  I basically live at T's yet I pay my mort. for this house,  I pay cable, phone, water, electric...thats alot of money for a whole lotta nothing.  I am hoping by end of Feb. we are all moved in & can concentrate on renting out my house.  Oh the money we would save!  :-) 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Thank goodness last nite i was able to hava  good cry.  I am a firm believer in needing a good cry every couple of weeks.  It had been a LONG while since I had one.  REALLY long.  Finding out my dad had cnacer I cried, but it last about 2 minutes.  This one was a snot running down your face, sobbing, cant catch your breath sobfest that lasted about 15 min.  It was building.
It happened when I had all the kids into bed, it was quiet, I turned off all the lights.  Then I felt the urge to get on my knees & pray.  So I did.  I called out to heaven, to God, to Jesus.  I rambled on about my life & the things in it...crying the entire time.  I had to pull myself togethr when T pulled in te driveway home early.  But I still was crying when he got in.  Thankfully I have an understanding man...he just held me & let me sniffle it out.  I thought I would feel better, but honestly I dont.  I slept horribly last nite.  I ended up taking a full ambien to sleep & that hardly helped.
I woke up this AM feeling depressed very very down.  Stuff is getting to me.  Then I had to take Dad to the doc.  I spent 90 minutes with him &  I couldnt stay longer.  Between him crying out in pain, cursing everything & generally being mean I just couldnt stay.  Not to mention he now gags & retches due to inablity to swallow thanks to the tumor.  I had to pull over even for him to spit out.  Its a horible thing to see this.  To watch your Dad be reduced to nothing.  To say he wants to die.  To hear him say he thinks the Lord is punishing him.  For him to tel me he is just about dead.  That he cant go on any longer.  I take the brunt of those feelings from him.  He is careful around Mom as he cares more for her.  Its true.  She is his safety blanket.  He is in desparate need of counseling, as is mom.  Neither listens to me. 
Dad doesnt want to do pain meds because hes tired of scripts & docs.  He didnt take his meds this AM to see what happened.  UMMM< he was in pain..HELLO?!?!  You have cancer.  He thinks he is going to get better.  I know & feel different.  This chemo is a waste.  He will die from this cancer.  I wish he would just go to Hospice & be made comfy.  Mom & Dad have all their faith that chemo is the answer.  I wish I felt the same.  I feel like a bad daughter for wishing my fathers demise.  I struggle with that alot.
I am dealing with my own stuff too.  I need to get regulated on my meds.  I am taking myself off the Cymbalta..& I am re starting the Elavil.  Yes the same drug that made me fat...yet had me sleeping like a baby, feeling normal.  I guess I will just be fat?!  HELLS NO.  Exercise is he key.  I need to get off my lazy ass.  Yeah..just tell my body that..

Monday, January 17, 2011

tangled thoughts

thats how i have been feeling last few days.  my thoughts are all jumbled up, i am dsorganized feeling & feel myself falling into a depression.  its been this way since i started back up on the cymbalta..started it 2 weeks ago today to 30 mg then upped a few days ago to 60mg.  since doing so i have noticed i have no energy at all, i am feeling overwhelmed by my kids, by tony, by doing stuff.  i feel guilty all the time with the kids.  i am sweating buckets at the drop ofa embarrasing.  i took the girls to the mall today & let b & S walk the mall alone while I stayed with littleones, well i sweated thru my shirt, my face was dripping sweat.  it was crazy.  i was so mortified.  it makes the depression worse.  i know a side effect of cymbalta is excessing sweating.  not to mention insomnia..wich i have now too.  i have resorted to taking 1/2 an ambien at nite to help me sleep.  i am lucky if i get 5 hours a nite.  not to mention that my ic is really bad last few weeks, i am relying heavily on pain meds.  i hate that.  i hate feeling how i feel. 
i wish i could pull myself out of this slump, feels like i been in it forever.  i am sick of being sick & tired.  i just dontknow what to do anymore, i want to hide in bed & pull the covers over me honestly.  SHIT SHIT SHIT.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


Hmmm, just tried to put on a pair of undies that always fit before, but now cannot get them past my hips.  Good lord...I am huge, arent I???  Why on earth wont I slow down my eating & DIET?!?!  I dont get me.  I weigh 217 lbs & am 5ft 7.  What a freaking mess. 

Friday, January 14, 2011

Happy Birfday to ME!

Yep, today is my 36th birthday.  WOW..where on earth has time gone?!  I still feel like I am in my teens, sometimes in my 20's & bad days in my 80's LOL. The saying is your only as young as you feel, right??? 
Looking back on year 35 of my life is like a freaking soapopera!!!  I swear you could write a book JUST about my 35th year.  The ups, downs & dramas of that year.  Ohhh how i am glad to see it go.  But what I have learned in just 1 short year is amazing. 
I remember when I was 34 I saw a psychic & she told me that 35 would be a VERY hard year, but that towards the end of the year I would meet my soul mate.  Of course I was intrigued!!  And yes she was most def. right on.
Lets see what 35 had for me...I lost both my grandma &grandpa within 6 months of each other, I broke up with a man who I thought was the love of my life, I watched my father endure many surgeries on skin cancer, only to be diagnosed with Stage III cancer tumor.  I had a complete & total breakdown from Aprl until July causing me to enter not 1, not 2 but 3 different psychiatric facilities for help.  The 3rd on was the charm & I stayed for 10 days.  I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, GAD, major depression & anxiety panic disorder.  I have been on more psych meds than the biggest nutcases out there, LOL.  My body was put thru the wringer. I also still dealt with my bladder disease.  HOwever the breakdown caused me to be unable to do basic pay bills, watch tv, enjoy life, care for my kids, smile, sleep, took those months away from me. 
On the bright side...after July I came out a new person, I continued with intensive therapy with my absolutely wonderful therapist N.  She has been a true gift from God.  The progress I have made because of her is amazing.  I finally got on the correct meds, the correct dose & my moods are beginning to stablize.  I grew so much closer to my oldest daughter who for a long time hated me.  I now have the relationship with her I dreamed about.  I reconnected with my exhusband & we fell in love all over again...deeper.  I was asked to marry him...I am going to.  I adopted 2 adorable little puppies.  I put my family back together again.  I was accepted for SSDI.  I no longer have to stress about working.  I became closer to my daddy.  I learned who my true friends were.  I found Jesus & discovered my love of singing Christian songs (even if I cant carry a tune), I found a church.  I battled & won a dependancy on pain killers & pot.  Most important of all..I found me.  I discovered I like to paint, my love of writing is growing stronger daily, my urge to read & learn grows every day.  I was cursed this year, yet God took great care of me, He watched over me thru my struggles, He knew my pain would bring me to Him...and because of that pain I grew.  I grew in God, in myself, in my family & in my confidence.  I am truly grateful for 35. 
36 is going to be a calming will be a year where I take great care of myself.  Where I put myself first & my health.  I will drop 60 lbs with healthy eating & exercise.  My family will grow even closer as we move into Ts house together.  My dad will beat cancer & come out a better person, a Godly man.  I will gain close friendships with women.  I will be the influence in someones life.  I will make a difference. 
Thank you Lord for 35....Bless me as I move into 36.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

NOPE to the diet..

I cant do the detox diet now that I am on all these psych meds.  It messes WAYYY to much with my entire body & well as my psyche.  I found myself getting more & more anxious as Friday went on...I ended up sending poor T out to the pharmacy to get me some Ativan as I was on the verge of a panic attack.  I just cant do it!  That detox kit cost me 300 bucks!!!!!!!  Now I dont know what to do...I doubt the doc. will take it back, mom doesnt want it...well perhaps down the road I will be able to use it..THINKING POSITIVE.
Dad is doing ok, no major side effects from chemo..he is just worn out, totally.  Poor guy..but he is a trooper! 
Kids were awesome this weekend, I am feeling closer & closer to them. Especially B, lately she has been confiding in me alot more & we have been laughing alot more too.  I love to see her turning into a young woman.  Scary, but good!!!
Went to church last nite & cried during the singing..FINALLY.  I was just touched by the song & the message, I havent cried in church in a while, it felt so good.  I am looking forward to getting more involved in the church & finally making some FRIENDS.  I miss girlfriends, I really do.

Friday, January 7, 2011

21 days???

Started the detox diet...OMFG.  Yeah its bad.  Yeah I am Freaking hungry as helllllllllll.

Dieting sucks ass...LOL

Thursday, January 6, 2011


Dad had his 1st chemo appt. today.  It was so sad.  They have it in this room with a nurses desk in the middle & a bunch of comfy chairs surrounding it.  In the chairs sit people fighting for their lives.  Today my dad joined their ranks.  He will go weekly for...well, we dont really know HOW long.  He is getting smaller dosage of chemo so we are hopefully chemo side effects wont be as strong.  We got to speak with his oncology doc.  He stated that right now its just a guessing game if chemo will work.  HE also mentioned that somewhere down the line in a few months if the tumor does NOT shrink we will need to address the topic of hospice care. is going to die.  That just stuck out to me in the entire conversation.   No one wants to see their loved one hurt or be in pain.  Is it wrong of me to wish my dad out of this???  Am I a bad daughter because I just dont have hope this will work?  How horrible is it of me to wish my dads death for his sake & peace?  I struggle with this. 

On another topic T is sick.  He spent most of last nite sleeping fitfully, he woke up this AM  & is currently snoring on the couch.  AFTER he took one of my Tyl 3...and after he picked a fight with me on how much our kids eat.  I admtted alot of the missing food was none other than me.  But yep, we have 3 growing kids & yep they eat alot....they arent babies anymore!!  I offer healthy choices mixed with some junk.  Once I go on my detox diet...there wont be half as much crap in this house.  But seriously t fight with me over ou kids eating habits?????  After I just came back from chemo with Dad?  Not cool T, not cool at all.  I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt & say it was the Tyl 3 talking...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

God listened...

To all our prayers & Dad got his port put in this afternoon at hospital on the first try.  No need for dye in his jugular or ultrasound guidance...we had a great doc who knew what he was doing & it was put in.  This means that Dad can now begin chemo on Thur. & start his battle.  My parents both think chemo is going to "cure" Dad...I keep stressed to mom how rough it might be, even worse than it is now.  Both are in complete denial...sigh.  Its frustrating.  I did pray with Dad at his bedside & felt very comforted in doing so.  Thank GOD for God, LOL.

Side note...after being in the hospital for 3 hours I decided to stop at PUblix & buy myself a 10 pack of Twix...I ate them all.  (sigh).  Tomorrow thus begins Detox...I swear.

Monday, January 3, 2011

moooore meds...geesh

so today i visited my lovely shrink.  only had to wait 1 hour today, usually its about a 90 min. wait.  Yeah, its bad. 
I am feeling alot better being on the mood stablizer Triliptal, not so up & down like I was for a while there.  Keeping that dose the same.  Staying on the lexapro, eliminating the doxepin as it gave me CRAAAAZY dreams, night sweats & yes..more weight gain.  So as of tonite I will be off all anti deprr. that make you gain weight..YAY.
My med lists looks like this:
.1 Elmiron (for my IC)
20 mg Lexapro
300 MG Triliptal
1 Allegra allergy pill (dont think it helps allergies AT ALL)
1 Elmiron
300 MG Triliptal
30 MG Cymbalta
1 Vistaril (antihist. to help me sleep)
And I take .25-.50 mg of Ativan daily to keep me chilled out. 
Plus thruout the day if I am having pain I will have MOtrin, Tylenol 3 or half a percocet...depends on my pain level with the IC.

I am going to participate in another IC study thru Harvard Med. on the study of IC genes.  All I need to do is give them some spit & pee so they can get all my DNA & analyze it.  Then they will study it to see if my genes are whacked out causing the IC.  I pray that being in these studie help!!  This is the 3rd one I am participating in since diagnosed, makes me feel useful. 

REally thinking that I am  just going to stay at TOnys from now on & just flit back to my place when something is needed.  Of course eventually that house needs to get rentd out. Tony has a much bigger place 5bed 4 bath is pretty sweet::-)

Praying i begin to drop some weight now.  I am not on anything that really loads the weight on like Elavil & Doxepin did.  Its all on me.  I am VERY interested in going to some OA meetins ASAP.  First concern is Dad..I take him tomorrow afternoon to get his PICC line in & then chemo on Thur.  I know he is nervous.  I just pray it all goes right & the chemo gives him some relief OR that God just takes him away from this pain.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Yeah, ummmm so the detox diet lasted about 2 hours. 

I just cant commit to it now.  There is too much going on on my life.  Between worrying about Dad, worrying about my health, worrying about where to live, worrying that I am not the best mom, worrying about everything else...I just CANT. 

Tony wants to talk about me renting my house out...ughhh.  I want to, I want to snap my fingers & have all my stuff moved here & organized.  It aint gonna happen that way, is it? 

I need an assistant.

And so it begins...

Happy 2011!  WHOOOOOPIE DOO, LOL. 

Today I started my 21 day detox diet.  Of course after I took 10 vitamins & supplements I took that oppotunity to binge on ice cream, candy & banana chips.  Kids were gone at church  & Tony was asleep. PERFECT binge time.  I hate it.  I am getting sneakier & sneakier with y eating, because I am so embarassed at how heavy I am.  I weighed myself this AM...220lbs.  OMG.  OMFG is more like it.  The heaviest I was when preg. was  I would love to weigh 150lbs.  That means I need to lose 70lbs.  This detox diet should be a good jumpstart.  PLUS I must get to OA meetings ASAP.  I need support for SURE to beat this over eating. 
Dad had a rough nite the nite before with hard to breathe, lots of coughing, rough to swallow.  Mom has to deal with it all & I feel so bad.  I just wish she would seek out some help from counseling groups for caretakers.  I cant do it for her though.  I am taking Dad Tue. afternoon to get his PICC line put in & then Thu. is his first chemo.  Mom is thinking chemo will literally fix him.  I have a different view.  I think he will do one round, feel like HELL & then stop it.  I think he will just give up & go.  He doesnt want to fight.  We cant fight for him.  I just want him to be out of pain & HAPPY for his last days.  I want mom to realize that there is a VERY good chance this chemo will break him down even more & he will get sicker & worse, not better.  She looks at life thru rose colored glasses & when I bring up the hell that chemo is...she dismisses me.  I need to remember that is HER.  I cant fix her.  SHe will be herself.  I can just do me & prepare myself.  Its tough.
OK, off to walk Simba for a spin around the lake.