waterworks..

Thank goodness last nite i was able to hava  good cry.  I am a firm believer in needing a good cry every couple of weeks.  It had been a LONG while since I had one.  REALLY long.  Finding out my dad had cnacer I cried, but it last about 2 minutes.  This one was a snot running down your face, sobbing, cant catch your breath sobfest that lasted about 15 min.  It was building.
It happened when I had all the kids into bed, it was quiet, I turned off all the lights.  Then I felt the urge to get on my knees & pray.  So I did.  I called out to heaven, to God, to Jesus.  I rambled on about my life & the things in it...crying the entire time.  I had to pull myself togethr when T pulled in te driveway home early.  But I still was crying when he got in.  Thankfully I have an understanding man...he just held me & let me sniffle it out.  I thought I would feel better, but honestly I dont.  I slept horribly last nite.  I ended up taking a full ambien to sleep & that hardly helped.
I woke up this AM feeling depressed very very down.  Stuff is getting to me.  Then I had to take Dad to the doc.  I spent 90 minutes with him &  I couldnt stay longer.  Between him crying out in pain, cursing everything & generally being mean I just couldnt stay.  Not to mention he now gags & retches due to inablity to swallow thanks to the tumor.  I had to pull over even for him to spit out.  Its a horible thing to see this.  To watch your Dad be reduced to nothing.  To say he wants to die.  To hear him say he thinks the Lord is punishing him.  For him to tel me he is just about dead.  That he cant go on any longer.  I take the brunt of those feelings from him.  He is careful around Mom as he cares more for her.  Its true.  She is his safety blanket.  He is in desparate need of counseling, as is mom.  Neither listens to me. 
Dad doesnt want to do pain meds because hes tired of scripts & docs.  He didnt take his meds this AM to see what happened.  UMMM< he was in pain..HELLO?!?!  You have cancer.  He thinks he is going to get better.  I know & feel different.  This chemo is a waste.  He will die from this cancer.  I wish he would just go to Hospice & be made comfy.  Mom & Dad have all their faith that chemo is the answer.  I wish I felt the same.  I feel like a bad daughter for wishing my fathers demise.  I struggle with that alot.
I am dealing with my own stuff too.  I need to get regulated on my meds.  I am taking myself off the Cymbalta..& I am re starting the Elavil.  Yes the same drug that made me fat...yet had me sleeping like a baby, feeling normal.  I guess I will just be fat?!  HELLS NO.  Exercise is he key.  I need to get off my lazy ass.  Yeah..just tell my body that..