Sunday, January 2, 2011

And so it begins...

Happy 2011!  WHOOOOOPIE DOO, LOL. 

Today I started my 21 day detox diet.  Of course after I took 10 vitamins & supplements I took that oppotunity to binge on ice cream, candy & banana chips.  Kids were gone at church  & Tony was asleep. PERFECT binge time.  I hate it.  I am getting sneakier & sneakier with y eating, because I am so embarassed at how heavy I am.  I weighed myself this AM...220lbs.  OMG.  OMFG is more like it.  The heaviest I was when preg. was  I would love to weigh 150lbs.  That means I need to lose 70lbs.  This detox diet should be a good jumpstart.  PLUS I must get to OA meetings ASAP.  I need support for SURE to beat this over eating. 
Dad had a rough nite the nite before with hard to breathe, lots of coughing, rough to swallow.  Mom has to deal with it all & I feel so bad.  I just wish she would seek out some help from counseling groups for caretakers.  I cant do it for her though.  I am taking Dad Tue. afternoon to get his PICC line put in & then Thu. is his first chemo.  Mom is thinking chemo will literally fix him.  I have a different view.  I think he will do one round, feel like HELL & then stop it.  I think he will just give up & go.  He doesnt want to fight.  We cant fight for him.  I just want him to be out of pain & HAPPY for his last days.  I want mom to realize that there is a VERY good chance this chemo will break him down even more & he will get sicker & worse, not better.  She looks at life thru rose colored glasses & when I bring up the hell that chemo is...she dismisses me.  I need to remember that is HER.  I cant fix her.  SHe will be herself.  I can just do me & prepare myself.  Its tough.
OK, off to walk Simba for a spin around the lake.

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