Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Oy Vay

As my late grandpa liked to say...OY VAY.  And no we arent Jewish, he just always said it & it cracked me up. 
Found out this AM that Dad is getting his PICC line inserted at 1PM today since yesterdays port surgery didnt go thru.  Surgeon couldnt get port to go in as the tumor is so thickly embedded in his veins.  Scary shit.  So now I am praying the PICC goes in OK & doesnt cause him too much discomfort.  Mom also said that he was positive for MRSA infection on his wound site from his previous outter skin cancer surgery.  So now he has MRSA infection & Doc Lee (skin cancer surgeon) wants him to see an infection disease doc. 
Heres my quandry...Dad is getting chemo tomorrow & then weekly afterwords.  Doesnt chemo kill ALL cells good & bad?  Wont the MRSA just sorta take over his body & spread?!  Dont people DIE from MRSA?  Isnt Dad going to be super vulnerable to all types of infection once chemo is in him?  I just dont know if this chemo is going to allow MRSA to rapidly spread?!  I am not a doc.  But I still worry.  If I raise this to mom she will just shoot me down.  Every other thing I say about his treatment is poo poo'ed away...I  just like to be FULLY informed on what to expect, they seem to just trust their docs 100%.  Even tho yesterday Dad confessed to me he didnt trust any doc. 100%...well good for you dad, cuz neither do I!  After all the shit I been thru you most DEF. need to be your own advocate for your health.  Of course Dad is too weak to speak for himself & mom is too its ME doing the worrying & research, but all my findings are not heard.  Its frustrating.  I just pray ALOT. 
I gotta hope this chemo KILLS & eases this HUGE tumor that is impinging on his voice, on his trachea, on his carotoid artery.  Dr Collins (Chemo/cancer doc) said that chemo will make dad comfortable.  In other words there really isnt hope that dad will beat this tumor.  But at least be made comfortable.  Huh???  doesnt chemo cause puking, diahrea, fevers & just HORRIBLE feeling?!?!  But it will shrink the damn tumor I PRAY. 
In some ways I hope that one nite Dad will just stroke out & be out of misery.  He wants to die, he has no hope left, but then again he is now in a full on deep depression. & LORD knows I know all about depression.  He is supposed to be seeing a psych nurse today to possibly get on some anti depressants.  Never in a million years did I think I would ever have to think about my daddy dying.  I guess its inevitable, but didnt know I would have to sit by & watch it slowly eat him. 
It kills me.

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